Yeah yeah… I write a post then I swear I am going to write more regularly and then poof 6 months go by and I am sitting here on April 15th, 2020 – having been quarantined for 45+ days and the world has gone to shit. WOW I guess I should have been blogging more…and now that I have nothing but time on my hands I PROMISE YOU I WILL BE.

Let’s just do a quick recap…

Christmas came and went. My mom came to visit for the holidays and we had a Merry Xmas. We donated to families that were having a hard time and hosted wrapping parties for gifts with no “social distancing” on anyones mind. The New Year came and the we watched the ball drop for 2020 – the “perfect vision” year and I said “shit 2019 sucked ass and this was going to be our year!!”
Boy was I wrong. 2020 is the definition of a PANDEMIC SHIT-SHOW.

February came and my mom in Hong Kong was dealing with this “corona virus” thing and I was driving around to stores picking up masks and gloves and hand sanitizer and mailing boxes to Hong Kong where they were dealing with come “beer named virus” – over there” and not much happening here.

Ok cut to now – it’s April. WTF. My mom is sending me BACK the masks and gloves I sent her and the world is literally on standby.

It seemed like we were just watching the State of Washington on nightly news and next thing you know we closed my Media Maison offices in NYC in March and everyone started working from home in pajamas.
The news got worse. I watched as nurses and doctors were on tv begging for more PPE (words I don’t think I had ever said in my vocabulary – ever), suddenly the side screen of the news was ticking up in number of cases and deaths and now it wasn’t just Hong Kong – it was the whole world and the USA was looking like a third world country.

With my immune system and having lupus the phone started ringing from every doctor I have ever seen saying I was “high risk and to not go outside”. We implemented a protocol for wiping things, Lysoling everything, social distancing was a real “thing”. Suddenly we were home alone with our dogs. It was very much in my face that this was no longer a disease across the oceans but in our backyards – actually on our porch with wipes and sanitizer.

In a matter of 30+ days, my business felt like it was shaken like a ball in a bingo game, we are working from home, I am desperately trying to keep people employed. The government is beyond words – trying to apply for a PPP loan or an SBA loan is beyond a joke. SBA should stand for Small Business’s AreFucked... cuz they aren’t loaning you anything. Chase Bank is a joke. Every bank in a joke. People are literally starving and the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.
Press Conferences by the President are like a North Korean Propaganda machine and Dr. Anthony Fauci is doing so many press segments you wonder how he has time to find a cure/vaccine/time for a bathroom break.

My friends who have tried to apply for unemployment would have better luck finding a Willy Wonka bar with the golden ticket with Willie Wonka himself attached to it. People hoarding toilet paper like suddenly they are drinking Miralax with every meal. I could go on – but why… this outlet for me was supposed to make people laugh not want to jump out of a building in mixed matched pajamas.

We are all seeing the news and we all know the drill. We are stuck – at home – indefinitely. Not enough tests, not enough beds, not enough ventilators, no masks, not enough money, can’t pay rent, fuck how do I feed my family – it’s morbidly depressing but it’s real shit happening to real people.

Then just in case the virus, run on masks, price gauging gloves and Lysol wasn’t bad enough my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and our beloved Lulu doxie was put to sleep after we learnt in a 24 hour period she had incurable cancer. I am not going to go into the details but trying to deal with that during the virus is yet another shit show.
Prayers are all we can ask for.

So… in order to not go completely insane watching the news, living in fear and diving into the mental breakdown that I am sure we are ALL feeling, I have comprised a list of things that I think are positive, my thoughts on life for those who care and in keeping with my need to find humor in this world that feels VERY scary and unknown…. here goes.

-I haven’t worn a bra in 47+ days. And don’t know if I ever will again. My boobs are enjoying their relationship with my ankles WAY too much.
-Our dogs wish we would leave the house so they could destroy something without someone watching.
-My hands are raw from washing and I have sung Happy Birthday to myself so many times I am now 150 years old and waiting for Al Roker to call me to be on a Smucker’s Jar.
-My husband and I have not killed each other – yet. But there is still time so stay tuned.
-We still have toilet paper and if we run out we have leaves from all the trees. We will be fine.
-We got a bunny – we named him Bat Man and I am now using all my crafting skills to make him a cape and even created his own Instagram account @TheBunnyBatman – please follow him and his ONE and ONLY post so far. He’s tired – eating, shitting and sleeping all day is a full time job.
–Netflix: Tiger King – need I say more….yeah I do. What a shit show that series is. And Carol we all know you killed your husband. Chomp Chomp…
-I have learnt how to Facetime live our goats, horses and bunnies and somehow have accumulated a whopping 7 viewers each time I do.
-The amount of generosity and kindness seen across the world is heartwarming and inspiring. May it continue once we are back to “normal”.
-Facetiming me without warning is fine – I won’t look any better or different if I know you are calling.
– I am blessed to have nothing but pants with elastic waistbands because there is no doubt I am gaining a pound a day for every day I am quarantined.
-The Challenges – dear Jesus people – I cannot handle the challenges anymore. I cannot “plank” and sing a song – I can barely sing a song. I cannot post my last photo taken in a day ending in Y taken in 2015 because well – I just can’t be bothered to even look. I cannot do another quiz on Facebook to decide what Star Wars character I look like or celebrity I should get a free pass with. Enough with the challenges. I am challenged enough to get out of bed every day and find my way to the kitchen.
-The best news during Covid was finding our Christopher Meloni was getting his own show. Let’s hope we live long enough to watch it.
-I love that there are Zoom yoga classes, every celebrity with a perfect body is doing some kind of exercise class with full make up – but I am literally walking from my bed to my desk daily a total of 77 steps and that is far from the 10,000 steps we are supposed to be doing. Ugh go away.
-It’s nice to know that the concerts I have overpaid for over the years I can now watch for free – thank you One Republic and Andrea Bocelli
-I still cannot cook. I have learnt during this time at home that the kitchen is still not my friend and thank god for our amazing friends at Sugar and Spice Cafe who have kept Andre and I fed every day for the past two weeks. Because prior to that I was living on Hot Pockets, Mac & Cheese and Cereal. Oh and please stop sending me the Quarantine Recipe Exchange – because I CAN’T COOK PEOPLE and it’s causing me serious self esteem issues.
-Don’t bother buying the iphone/ipad light to “brighten” your face during a zoom or facetime call – I tried it and I still look like shit.
-Showers are not mandatory daily but brushing your teeth sure is.
-I am saving a fortune in razors – if you think I am shaving my legs during this crisis – you are so wrong. If you think after 18 years together my husband gives a shit – you are WRONG. This is the definition of unconditional love and I have that in spades/or leg hair – your pick.
-If you need the Xanax – take the fucking Xanax.
-My bed is still my island. I swear I could run the world from my bed. In my pajamas with a bun on my head. Yup I could run the world and we would all have our “stimulus checks by now”…..

On a serious note:
-My Hat is off to everyone who has children – I don’t know how you do it, I am in awe of you and I admire you so much. I know you are struggling to juggle working from home, becoming overnight teachers, arts and craft makers, your living rooms are now war-forts and play areas. I read your posts online and see how you struggle to put on a happy face while your children have no idea why they can’t go to school or play outside. I honor you and admire you. I know I would get a severe D grade if I were in your position. God Bless You and know I think of you all the time.

I am a giver – I always have been. I am happy when I am able to help and through this pandemic we as a family have tried to continue to support small businesses – especially restaurants, salons, bookstores, all small biz Buy those gift cards! Order online and curb pick up.

If you have extra – share.

Share the TP people and stop hoarding like idiots. And oh yeah STAY THE FUCK AT HOME! And follow my friend Carey Reilly – she is funny as fuck and she Facetimes me twice a day to make sure I am still alive.

God love good friends.

xoxoxox

Sam