Stink Bugs & the State Police

What a weekend!

Here are the highlights.

When we decided to move up here for 4-6 months I had to buy a car. Driving (with a driver) by the closest Dunkin Donuts I passed a mechanic. Joe’s Mechanic to be specific. Sitting outside was an old Ford Explorer that looked great, ran great and so what if it had 104K miles. Joe promised me he would service it anytime and “stands behind his cars”. Unlike a typical dealer who waves you off the lot in a new car whispering “sucker”….maybe Joe did too – but at least he smiled, gave me a free oil change and handled all the DMV paperwork!

Living in NYC it has been a long time since I drove and I have to say – rolling down the windows and breathing in the fertilizer with religious radio is somewhat comforting.

This weekend Kevin* and I made a massive list. Lights for the fenced area for the dogs, more dog beds – for that cruel, cold kitchen floor, groceries – aka TV dinners, extension cords, a mini tv for the kitchen that I am going to spend so much time in – HA!, more lanterns with LED batteries for my picture perfect porch, bug killer just to name a few.

We stopped in the little tiny town first where there was an Ace Hardware. I went from looking for batteries to having a 20 minute conversation with 4 women on “stink bugs”. Apparently everyone is having a “bad season” and I was taught not to kill them in the house – they stink! To catch them crawling on my curtains (where they go to get out of the cold) and place them in soapy water where they die – without being crushed and to flush them. I also learnt about putting dryer sheets in the furnace grates – apparently Mr Stinky doesn’t like them.

Lessons I learnt from my drive into the next town where the closest Target is – the roads are insanely winding, they don’t believe in street lights anywhere and watch out for “raptors” descending down to munch on roadkill – this time Bambi’s mom with her entrails hanging out. Seriously I almost barfed in the car.

I officially hate any driving direction APP. These women who are giving directions sound like mechanical Japanese sex dolls, they say things like turn left in 1250 feet! WTF is that? This light or the next? And they could care less if they take you down a pitch black road where Mario Andretti would have problems.

We stopped at the local Stop n Shop. Coming from NY this was a real supermarket with like a zillion aisles. People take their time here. They all know their cashier’s and have LOTS of catching up to do. The woman in front of us was buying her weight in TV dinners and cat food and telling Sheila the lady at the register how she buried a dead cat named Mo in the backyard. The best part of this trip was buying 15 bags of groceries for 200.00. Stick it up your ass Fairway in the city where 200.00 would get me cheese and a slice of turkey! And thank you Sheila for the coupons!

Tonight for dinner Kevin* decided to make home made lasagne, biscuits and salad. I am all about take out but not sure they have a seamless.com here. It was so good! I even had left overs to microwave when he leaves me to fend for myself.

A long and tiring day where I didn’t need my Klonopin or Benadryl – I was going to ZZZZ happily surviving my first weekend. That was until at 12:30am the house alarm went off like we were in WW3.

Kevin with his sleep-time “pebbles” hair do and I ran and met in the kitchen where I was scared shitless. What could have set the alarm off? Of course this would happen to me! Safe in the knowledge that it was probably nothing – we disabled it and went back to bed.

50 minutes later tucked back in bed with Lulu, Charlie & Teddy watching some Hallmark Channel perfect love story – I saw a flash light into my bedroom window, followed by two faces and banging on the window. This was my worst nightmare. I was gonna be killed just as I imagined. It was over – this was it. Halloween part 17. I was going to die braless in my Old Navy Llama pajamas with unshaved legs.

Then they called out “State Police – we got a call about an alarm”.

I am not sure what was more alarming – seeing them or knowing that if someone did try and kills me it would take them 50 minutes to get to my dying body on the kitchen floor. Giving my dogs just enough time to eat me.

I assured the officers that I was not a burglar as I would have worn a bra and better pajama pants.

Lesson Learnt: Never set the alarm when inside the house – it is motion detected. Thank you Kevin for going to pee that night.

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