What doesn’t kill you.. Just Fucks with you Mentally! Happy Thanksgiving!

Ahhhh it’s that wonderful time of year. The time of year when you have yet to celebrate Thanksgiving and the retailers already have Christmas trees decorated, Christmas music playing and are already sharing their holiday “return policy”.

Not coming from a large family meant small Thanksgivings. Even when I got married – we were just as happy to spend the day watching the parade from bed and eating dinner by ourselves. Inevitable Andre would fall asleep on the sofa while watching the “game” and I would find the Hallmark Channel and disappear into an abiss of Happily ever afters and a new sugar filled plot every two hours.

This year is the first in our new home in the country. We have 15 for Thanksgiving dinner, my mother is in town for the week to visit and I have already set the table (I did it Saturday). So for 5 days now I can look at how lovely it all looks and will be destroyed in 4 days.

A few notes of utter BS. I chose my colors for turkey day from Better Homes & Gardens. They had this lovely vignette of plums, black and gold and I was inspired. I want THAT look. So off I went on the hunt for the perfect copies to that table setting. I also loved how they displayed they thyme turkey. On a platter surrounded by champagne grapes, fresh thyme and pomegranates.

I want to let you and BH&G’s know – champagne grapes ENDS their season in September. So no matter how good I am at the scavenger hunt for just about anything – they don’t exist ANYWHERE in November. If they don’t exist in November – don’t put them in your turkey photoshoot. It makes me feel like I am only partially complete. It’s fucks with my ADD. It has me scouring the grocery store pulling the smallest grapes out of regular grape bags to the dismay of the shoppers around me and the “grocery guy” wanting so badly to call the police.

Now let’s move on to the next issue. I don’t cook. It’s not like I don’t cook – haha it’s like I don’t cook because you will end up in the ER. Dinner for 15 is a big endeavor and with houseguests and dogs and goats – not something either one of us wanted to take on from scratch. So we called our amazing friends at the Sugar and Spice cafe who were more than happy to copy the dinner I wanted from – yes you guessed it BH&G. Their only request was to pick up everything on Wednesday at 5pm. What could be easier you might ask. Well let’s just say – who has a fridge able to hold a turkey and 9 sides. (ok ok I went overboard). It’s Monday before the pick up and I am already reserving space in other people’s refrigerators. The drama! Let’s pray the spiral ham finds a home for the night.

Finally let’s talk lights. Not lights in the house but outside holiday lights. I saw a picture on Pinterest of lights on a fence down a long driveway to a farmhouse. I had 99% of that picture. The farm house, the fence and the 700 feet. The lights were a different problem.

Here is the lights from hell story in 3 parts.

  1. Ordered Lights from Amazon for a small fortune – they arrive but guess what. You cannot attach one string to another – nope not at all. WTF??? Who makes lights that don’t connect to other lights. Ok no problem Amazon has a great return police.
  2. The KMart in the town near us is closing – like closing forever – like everything in the shit-hole must go.So what better place than that to buy holiday string lights. Regular light price$15 per box. Sale price $5 a box – I buy 43 boxes. Get them home and guess what!!!!????
    YOU CAN ONLY STRING 3 SETS OF LIGHTS TOGETHER AND THEN YOU NEED TO ADD ANOTHER EXTENSION CORD!!!!!! WTF PEOPLE SERIOUSLY!
  3. LOWES – We find lights on a spool – 50 feet per spool – can attached 16 spools together. THANK GOD! We get home – we start stringing and we add a time and voila – it works. The fact that they are LED with a hint of blue – I could give a shit. Happy Hanukkah everyone.

As I write this my mom is having her breakfast. Our first set of house guests arrive at 5 and I still have price stickers to peel off glasses.

May you all wear elastic waistband pants on Thursday and may the New Orleans Saint win so I don’t have a grumpy and “i ate too much” husband!

 

 

 

 

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